…pay for anything! Every single card is declining!”
I took a slow, deliberate sip of my coffee, making sure the camera angle caught my relaxed smile. “Oh, no, really? That’s so weird. Because right after you hung up on me at the airport, I immediately drove to the bank.”
My husband’s sunburned face went completely pale. “What did you do?!”
“Well, considering my husband secretly fled the country with his sister and dumped her kids on me with zero warning, I did the only logical thing,” I said, keeping my voice dangerously calm. “I assumed it was a major crisis. So, I withdrew my half of our joint savings, reported all of our shared credit cards as stolen to protect our assets, and moved the remaining balance to a separate account to pay myself a premium, 24/7 emergency childcare rate for the week.”
Mandy pushed her way into the frame, hyperventilating. “The resort is demanding a card for incidentals and the room balance! They’re threatening to lock us out and call the local police!”
“That sounds incredibly stressful,” I replied, deadpan. “You should probably look into that. Anyway, my lawyer says abandoning minors is a pretty serious offense. I dropped the kids off at your mother’s house yesterday, Mandy. She was fascinated to hear about your ‘much needed R&R’ while she took over.”
My husband stared at the screen in absolute horror. “You can’t do this to us! We’re stranded!”
“Watch me,” I smiled. “Oh, and before I forget—I used that premium nanny pay to book my own flight. The divorce papers are taped to the front door for when you eventually find your way home. Have a great trip!”
I hit End Call, blocked both of their numbers, and calmly ordered a mimosa.
